It was 1am when I thought about writing this post. I was outside in my pj's hanging laundry on the retractable line underneath the roof of the deck. It was bright outside due to the nearly full moon. I haven't done laundry in weeks because of time constraints. I used my last clean underwear yesterday (and had to borrow a pair of socks from my mother), so when I got home from work at 10pm, I ran the washer.
I'm one of those weird people that will only wash socks in pairs. If a sock or two in the hamper doesn't have a match, it doesn't get washed. This is faulty logic though because I also keep a box of singleton socks. I bet the matches are in there.
School starts again on Monday. I'm not ready. I don't want to lose the summer vacation that I didn't really get to have. I have been so, so, so busy this summer that it has caused me to really take a step back and re-think what I say yes to. This summer I said yes to everything. I felt like I have to. Like it's my obligation to say yes.
I said yes to working at the animal hospital when it would have been more intelligent to say no after my internship ended. I said yes to working at the college, taking care of the animals on the weekends when it meant 12 hour work days. But it wasn't just about work. I said yes to more material goods that I certainly didn't need and now regret (more stuff = more management time spent with stuff) taking. Especially books. I hate to throw away things I
might need, but if I won't read it, don't particularly want to read it, haven't read it in years, why am I keeping it? I just schlep it around with me. Ugh.
"Just because something has made you happy in the past, doesn't mean you have to keep it forever."
"Consumerism is the personification of greed and people don't realize that one can die for greed just as one can die for nationalism. It drives a person to work too hard, to desire money and to consume. One is conditioned to think that without consumer goods, one is nobody. 'I buy therefore I am' is the slogan of the modern age. We must understand consumerism as a new demonic religion and find a spiritual alternative."
Did I further my personal goals? Some. The internship was a requirement of college, but it allowed me to progress through my classes. The goals I hold more important such as healthy clean eating, creating less waste, sustainability, self reliance, more time spent doing things I love like training the dog and making time for friends. Those goals I didn't do very well with. I did spend some time with new friends, cementing our friendships. I did train the dog a little bit (and we spent some time together having fun). I didn't garden, didn't work on any of my other goals. There was no time.
Ugh. No one should live a life so full of doing things that they miss out on life. I suppose I am fortunate to recognize this problem in myself and work to fix it. I realize I am fortunate to complain about these things. Having too many jobs is not something most people can say. Having too many things is a uniquely privileged idea.
Nonetheless, I am paring down. I'm participating in a community yard sale. I am not buying anything I don't need. (Also know as: spending money on only useful things that I see a need for in my life.) I am using up, wearing out, and making due. But it's hard. I am a chronic over-spender. I buy and buy and buy until I run out of money.
As always, I'm a work in progress.
