Dashing for Summer

These long beautiful days make me feel as if good weather will last forever. It also makes me keenly aware than winter is looming closer with each day that passes me by. I am always meaning to do something soon, but before I know it, the whole season has zipped on by. I distinctly remember as a child these days seeming long and as if having three months off in summer was surely just as long as being in school. Not so anymore. Days just run by at a frantic pace.

I look at the clock: 1:15pm

I look down at whatever I'm doing.

I look at the clock a few minutes later: 3:45pm!

This makes me slightly concerned that there is a mischievous elf in the house, but all the other clocks say 3:45pm too! Poo.

I have a lot of issues with time. I spend a lot of time thinking about time. I am keenly aware that any moment may be my last. I am sure of where I am going, but I read once that fear, any fear, is fear of being hurt. Hurt emotionally or physically, it doesn't matter. I think that's true. Most of the fear of death stems from "Will it hurt?", and an equal amount of fear for the anticipation of sadness that we will leave behind us when we go. I hate the idea that I will cause someone the great sadness that is the loss of a loved one. ...but I digress.

Time is a concept thought up by our big ol' brains that somebody thought was an excellent idea, and now we all follow it. Sure a day always passes with more or less the same number of hours regardless, but when we add actual hours in numbers to the mix, we start anticipating.

"If I don't have to leave until 4:15, then I can wait until 3:30 to shower which means I have five hours until I have to do that. I need fours hours to make bread so I can start that in an hour and be fine..."

Ugh. I hate this. Constant clock watching jangles my nerves and makes me keenly aware that I have to go to work... in five hours.

I would love to (and one day hope to) run on my own time. Not have to constantly anticipate the time and thinking of what to do next.

Did I tell you I want a farm? Not just any type of farm, but a family type place where we produce our own food. Where I don't have to punch in and punch out on a clock. Where I don't have electricity bills to pay (well, not as much as I have now). That kind of a place. Peaceful, fulfilling, a true home.

Today I am grateful for all the beautiful spring flowers that all come one right after another, never leaving my windowsill empty of fresh wildflowers. Right now Hawkweed is blooming!